August 15th 2012
This is the first time when i'm back to this uncertain life. I've changed my mind already. Many reason that i've been here (noted : again). I'm not ready to move on to the real world besides i still have another way to get real love from others. You know, it's been so hard and difficult.
About 2.5 years, I forget all the wonderful memories and bad memories in this uncertain world. It's been a while, but I actually did all this in order to get a blessing from the creator of human. God. But over time, I have missed all this uncertain world. A world that could make me get a beautiful smile every day.
Day by the day i thought it was, is it possible to return me here? Will get someone that can make a big change and very useful for my life. When I look back one step, all my life was ruined and I have never come across someone who actually receive all my flaws. I could not find the meaning of TRUE LOVE.
Today, I decided to make one or more accounts in social networking (note: a special social networking, such as GayRomeo.com and Manjam.com). Hoping to find someone who really understands what I need for this time. I met some people (just with a pict) who may have some similarities and have a big heart. I tried to approach them personally one by one. There were about 4 people I approached from a small talk. Knowing each individualy only by a text they gave to me. Maybe this sounds ridiculous, judge-ing someone just by a text. Of the four, I found a sense of comfort with someone who had a noble heart. He was very concerned about me starting from the smallest thing was he made of his mouth was. I was stunned and I was very lucky if I meet him. I passed and already skip the other three and straight forward to get closer to this noble man.
Back to this guy, he was about 30 years old. His name's Catur. He told me all of his life. Starting from his hobbies untill his work that I could say the job is very risky at all. He worked without salary remained at a social institution that houses the transgender and sex workers in Jakarta to knowing more and understand more about HIV / AIDS. uhuh, it is very strange to find someone like him before. In this 2012 years, he could support his beloved family by his own way. It could make me very confused, why he choose social work job than other work thats sounds great and more easy to get the income for his life and his family.
August 30th 2012
Started with a canned rendang that I sell before, as a side job while I had a lot of free time, he is very interested to sell it to his friends. And for this reason also he made, for meet me at his house, in the area of east Jakarta. Upon arrival I was at his house. I was very tired and very hungry at that time.I was quite a distance away from my home. But somehow this feeling I can not lie and I can not deny anymore that I like his personality when i meet him. He was told me that he is an ordinary. Even very ordinary and too old school, but his mind is too open-minded i think. He knows all the type of the character. But I love you for what it is. Regardless of his background at all. I was very comfortable meeting with him. He immediately took me to a place, wow, I just want to say, I was very lucky to have you and even your heart someday. A place where I'm very interested to be there, very interested!
When the night was getting late and both of us had to go off home. I undressed for bed. when I lay down and play my smartphone, he was very naughty if I may put it like that. Cause he tried to bite the back of my shoulder which was very sensitive area on me. Step by step we enjoy a sexual intimacy together in his room. I had to think hard, what should be started like this when you meet someone that you love? I was obviously very disappointed with him in the first day's meet. I don't know exactly what he was looking for from me. Does he really love me? Does he really care of me? or he just looking for sex sheer pleasure?
Getting hard to think T_T. No word for just about make a relationship, no word for make a commitment together, just let the time will answer a relationship of what is this.
When I look back, a lot of things he has not been told to me. But I already knew before. He always talked about his ex. huh. I'm a little bit jealous to hear this. From here I doubt his love for me. For example a doll of koala, green room, a cat named the same as the name of his ex, He was always able to meet with his ex wherever they are, no matter how far it is, but he don't want to meet me here, is this fair to me?
He was told me don't want me to leave me, he asked me not to hurt him, always keep his hearth, and always there even when he was hurting my feelings, he wanted to stay with me, when I have an income, and he had an income too, we will make a place some out there where we could be together.
When I get the people who really make a big change in my life, but why only hint that I might feel that he loves me. I learned from life to love someone like I love you sincerely my God. I wanna say I wanna die with him today, tomorrow, day after tomorrow, even to the time I can't specify.
You always make me smile and think how bad i really miss you. You don't know how big i love you. I decided to stay in your hearth. Even you hurting me in any conditions. In anytime in wherever the place. 'Cause I REALLY LOVE YOU.
Lord, Thanks that you've given me someone who could make my days are so brightfull. I'm going to keep him as I keep my heart for him. Just for him. Only for him. I will always by his side, always keeping him until he fell asleep in my arms, always believe that one day he will give all his love to me, I don't want the end.
This is made by me. Hopefully you'll know when I'm die, somebody who ever read this, will tell you that I love you so much , i love you more and more. Tape Ketan ♥
